I realized this morning that I am discontented. Very very deeply discontented. I am lucky enough to live in a house that I “own” with my husband and son. But everything is broken. I mean, literally, it’s all broken. Holes in the walls that need patching, countertops that need re-glazing, chairs the need reupholstering, car seats that need to be fixed. And I’ve been pursuing minimalism, trying so hard to get there because I am under the assumption that once I’m ‘there’, I won’t have a mess to deal with. Shit will stay clean. The bathroom will be easy to wipe up. Or maybe I’m so freaking discontent because I think I just need the right thing. Once I have money to replace all my crap with the best version (and just one), THEN I will be happy. THEN my mind will be clear. But I mean… it’s so obvious, it’s painful. Of course, this stuff won’t make me happy. If I’m unhappy now, I’ll be unhappy then. Right? Right?? Will I ever get to the end of my to-do list? Will I ever fix all of my daily annoyances? It is so tempting RIGHT NOW to just close out this wordpress doc, and search pinterest for peaceful scenes. For products that promise to make me happy. but FUCK. If they won’t make me happy, what will???

As I sat in mass today, my eyes glazed over and I didn’t even open my mouth to sing. I was so… over it. “If you ponder the weight of an apple, compared to the trouble we’re in, then a grown might, be tempted to question his birthright, in front of his kids and devout wife, causing the doubt to begin to spread like original sin.”

Is it my debt that is so heavy? Between the debt, the kid, the job, I feel trapped. What can I really do to change my life? I can’t renovate my house because I’m already indebted beyond my limits. I can’t buy stuff to replace my crappy stuff because I am literally living paycheck to paycheck. This is not the life I want. I never thought I’d be living paycheck to paycheck as a 27 yr. old mother. It’s shameful (oh, but there’s my catholic showing), and embarrassing (once again- catholic) and I feel so nervous all the time. I’m nervous for the hammer to drop and tear through our life that we already are so out of control with. IF anything happens- even the smallest thing- we aren’t ready. We aren’t prepared. We’ve got no backup.

So what if we move? What if we sell this house, make a profit, pay off all our debt, and buy a super sleek, totally minimal small house? Will I be happy then? No debt, no clutter. No place to host. I think of my sister’s houses and I can not fathom what they must make in order to have that kind of purchasing power. Will we ever get there?

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